Wednesday, 08 July 2009

• The Physics of Peeing

  Peeing is like shooting pool.

  
  I was explaining to Jennifer and Helen that peeing is not as simple as whacking out your schlong and aiming at the toilet. Girls think that it's so easy for guys to pee and that there's no excuse for them to miss. In fact, I would like to retaliate and say that it's easier for girls to pee because all they have to do is sit there and let it out, plus they get good exercise out of squatting. When a guy pees, it requires thinking.
  
  First of all, I would like to thank gravity, for without gravity, our pee would be bouncing from wall to wall, like light reflected upon dozens of mirrors. Though gravity helps at pulling the pee down, we still have to be careful to not miscalculate angles, pressure, and other factors.
  
  1) Trigonometry: Angles
  Peeing is like shooting pool. When you want to bank the q-ball against the wall, you have to consider the angles. Who here remembers high school physics and the law of reflection? It states that the angle of incidence equals the angle of reflection. We guys actually have to calculate at which angle to pee such that the stream bounces against the walls of the toilet or urinal and eventually all into the center to prevent getting splashed on. (See diagram below)
  
  2) Physics: Pressure
  This is the easier of the two. Pee doesn't shoot out at the same rate all the time. Sometimes, when we really have to go, it shoots out like a bullet. Other times, it's calm. Also, when pee first comes out, it comes out stronger than towards the end, so we really do have to move our penis around to compensate for the change of pressure. (And for this reason, I do not know how some men can pee without hands. They must be making the real mess.)
  
  3) Misc Factors
  Let's not forget earthquakes, or when a clumsy, drunk guy bumps into us, or how when the floor is all wet and nasty and we have to stand in a particular way because we don't want our shoes touching the puddle. But most importantly, erections. Erections make it extremely hard for us to pee and aim. We really don't know just exactly where anything will land and have to be extra careful.
  
  4) Unknown
  Sometimes, our stream splits. Yes, it goes in two directions. I don't know why. (Thanks to Matt for reminding me about this one.)
  
  Consider this diagram of a urinal to better understand the physics of peeing:
  
  
  Note: Toilets are even harder to aim because there are less walls to bounce off of. It's just down and back up.
  
  More on Peeing: Leakage
  
  Even no matter how many times we shake and wiggle after we finish peeing, there's still that possibility of a drop or two coming out later. Think of it like a straw. When you take it out of the glass of water and give it a little shake, there's still a drop or two left inside the hole, and the only way to prevent it from coming out later is to thoroughly shake it out, which we guys really don't have time for when peeiing because we could be standing there for minutes. Yes, even if we wipe our penis (like Jennifer's bf who will remain nameless), more could still come out later.
  
  So remember, if your boyfriend or brother or father or whoever accidentally makes a mess, or if you find a tiny yellow stain on their tighty whities, give them a break.

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